Hey God, I deserve that......or do I?

"Give me back the toy, and I will let you play!". "Work hard and you will reap the benefits". "If you seek your inner self and work towards living for yourself, all your dreams will come true". Does any of these sound familiar to you? If you answer no, then I believe you are either hiding under a rock, or just in denial. Sorry if that seems blunt, but this subject is not for the tender hearted. With my sincere heart and humble attitude,  I believe that this world is becoming increasingly selfish. Now, not everyone is seeking inside themselves for answers, I am quite aware of that, and in no way will this blog show that I am a saint, I'm not. On the contrary,my brothers and sisters, I do commit sin but the difference is that I surrender them and ask for forgiveness. With that being said, I am going to share with you an experience that knocked me down to my feet, and took almost all the joy I had in my heart.
There are two situations that have not occurred yet, but I know once they do, they will make me feel as  God has lead me to these most joyous moments. They are: to become a mother, and to have my own place with my husband. When we moved to Sweden, I believed that everything was going to happen as rapid as flipping the switch.....I was wrong. For months and months I prayed to God for my deepest desires to come true....I meant, come on now, I left my own family to do Gods will. I felt like I deserved it...selfish by all means.
 After a few months, I noticed that my heart became hard, and the joy was leaving my heart. It was like a bratty child whose mom had taken away their candy and would no longer speak to her mother and held a grudge. I remember speaking to my husband about this situation and when I actually heard what I saying, it felt so undeserving to God. Everything started and ended with the word "I". "I want this", "I want that", "I deserve it"..etc. I looked within myself to feel like I deserved things, and point blank, I don't deserve anything. That realization brought me to my knees.
God, who is the Almighty God and full of love...smacked me lol not literally but with the Bible and His truth, he sent the one word that would change my attitude.....Surrender! For so long, I carried all of my worries and burdens without releasing them to the only who will carry them for me and see that my hearts desires actually come true. In Psalm 55:22 it says "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."-ESV How great is He? Let me tell you how great is he. He is so great, so beautiful, so amazing, that the biggest sin committed before Him, is forgiven. Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while WE were still sinners, Christ died for us". As I cried about the selfish desires in my heart, I felt a sudden rush of comfort and a rush of truth. I don't deserve the Love of God, but he sees something in me, that he himself created, that his son died a brutal death for me. I surrendered my desires and also repented for my selfish heart.  I asked God to guard my heart, for I know that my human flesh is deceitful.
Instead of focusing on the reward, I want to enjoy every moment I get to work for God, to bring glory to His name and not mine. I want people to know who God is and see that life, with it's joys and also trials, is beautiful. It is never about us, it is about the one who created us! Colossians 3:23-24 " Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."

As I end this blog, I pray for every heart who has felt lost, burdened, not content with their walk with Christ, and anything else that may harbor pain in your heart.  Remember, our lives are never ours. We belong to an Almighty God who will reward us. Not with treasures or material things on this Earth but eternity with Him.

With a lot of love,

Ileana